Learning to Forgive Myself

This is an actual client's story. Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of the client.

Prior to having an abortion I sought information on the procedure and its implications. I read and spoke to people that knew about it to see if I would have a change of heart, but I didn't. I analyzed my whole situation and thought that an abortion was the best choice I could make.

After having the procedure, I thought I was okay. I didn't feel anything. I thought I had made the right decision: I would not have a burden in my life keeping me from accomplishing my goals; I could go to the altar pretending to be a virgin; I wouldn't suffer the criticism of our cruel society; I wouldn't give my parents the heartache of having their only daughter turn out to be their biggest shame. Above all, I didn't want my child to grow up without a father. I did not want my child taunted by other children because he was a 'bastard.' I wanted my son (I always thought it would be a boy) to grow up in a normal family, and at that point there was no way I could provide one for him.

So I made the choice I will regret for the rest of my life.

The father of my baby moved in with another woman and I was not able to get in touch with him. He had abandoned us, aware of the whole situation.

Now I felt numb. I did not feel anything: no happiness nor sadness. After the numbness wore off, I felt I was the most miserable person alive.

When I was younger I had resolved in my mind that I would never have an abortion. But when I was faced with the situation, I went against everything I believed in.

In trying to repair my grave mistake, I decided to get pregnant again and go through all I had dreaded. So I got pregnant once more. A year and a half later I was a single mother of a beautiful baby girl. I have had to deal with my parents and society's scorn, but nonetheless, my daughter has made me a stronger person. She is like a permanent sunshine that fills my life with a happiness I had never known before.

However, after I had my daughter, the pain of the abortion grew even stronger. In my daughter, I saw the baby I had killed, even though I knew she was a wholly different being. I found out I could not replace my first baby even if I had twenty more. My frustration and sadness were so intense that I continued to cry for my aborted baby for quite some time.

I knew I had to get help. I went to SLM to try to find some comfort. They had helped me when I was pregnant with my daughter. I had found out about their services through the school newspaper. I called them and made an appointment to speak to a volunteer counselor.

At SLM, I spoke with Kris (my volunteer counselor) who told me that God forgives us no matter what we have done. She told me that when I repented of my sins I would be forgiven because God loves us so much that he gave up his first born Son to erase our sins.

We prayed and she explained to me how to pray to accept Jesus into my heart. I am a very stubborn person and even though I accepted Jesus, I still did not feel worthy of God's forgiveness. After I had the abortion I felt ashamed before God because I knew right from wrong when I made the decision to kill my baby. I didn't feel I was worthy of even thinking of God, much less speaking to him.

One day, when my conscience was killing me, I decided to go back and try to find comfort at SLM. I knew that once I walked into the Center I would feel that inner peace I had felt each time I had been there before. I felt warmth right from the beginning. Kelley, the Director, spoke with me and I told her how sad and bad I felt and even cried in her presence because my emotions were so overwhelming. Like Kris, Kelley told me about the great sacrifice God had made for us and reassured me that God would forgive me because of His infinite love. I was very much comforted that day, but nonetheless, Kelley suggested that I return and speak to Kris.

I came back on a Wednesday and saw Kris. We reviewed the feelings I had of regret, shame, and stubbornness, and the fact that I still was not able to forgive myself. She told me of some post-abortion sessions I could attend to help me cope with my conscience.

Through the caring staff at SLM, I finally was able to forgive myself and accept God's forgiveness. I know that having an abortion was wrong and if I could go back and undo it, I would. But I can't. I learned to leave my guilt behind and now I am trying to be as good a human being as I can be. I feel that I really have learned to appreciate life and its worth.

I have always been a very skeptical person, but seeing Kris and Kelley speak with such conviction made me understand the true meaning of Jesus dying on the cross. Jesus died for us so that our sins would be forgiven and we would be accepted into the infinite glory of our all-powerful God.